Let's talk about: how I still have no friends, 20 years after the first day of school

“You know, she’s just the kind of person that everybody worries whether she has a ride home.  And, I guess, I’m just the sort of person people assume can walk.”

I like to think I am a decent friend.  I try to help my friends when I can.  I’m generous with my time and my money.  I try to go out of my way to be considerate and flexible of other people’s schedules and interests.  I’m smart, up on my pop culture, and I can always crack a good joke.

So it’s been a source of constant insecurity throughout my entire life that I’ve never had many close friends.  Every few years there was a blip on the radar, a temporary friendship that reminded me there might be more to life than sitting alone in my bedroom reading Sylvia Plath, but there’s never been anyone consistent in my life to talk to or to be with.   Maybe it’s because I don’t need that, because I’m close with my family, and love my pets, and am not afraid to be independent or alone, and maybe close friendships are fundamentally based on some innate co-dependency that I just don’t have. 

It seems so strange to me that someone who is seen as so brave, so strong, and so independent can feel so invisible and ignored.  It's even stranger to me that someone who feels so invisible and ignored can simultaneously feel outraged that nobody can see how great she is, and embarrassed for having such a gigantic, well-hidden ego.  Being friendless gives you a lot of free time to develop skills, and I'm both talented enough and self-aware enough to realize that no matter how good I am at how many things, people just do not want to be my friend.  When it feels as lonely as it does right now, it's such a painful reality to accept.  It's the kind of reality that tends to end up in blood-filled bathtubs or in lakes with rocks in your pockets. (I'm a female writer.  I know where we end up, and it's never good.)

I guess the only fair thing to do, both for myself and for others, is to give as much as I receive, and hopefully receive as much as I give.  I’ll plan trips, arrange coffee dates, organize movie nights, and offer my help when someone asks for it.  And I’ll happily travel the world by myself when a friend backs out, and bring a book to coffee when they call to cancel, and go see movies alone when nobody else wants to see them.  And I guess I’ll just keep being my own best friend until I discover if there is someone out there who can do a better job than I can.  

I'm not quite a rock or an island, but I could probably be a really hard chunk of clay and maybe a peninsula. 

Let's talk about: poutine!

In a few days, I will be going back to Winnipeg for my visit post-moving-away-for-college visit.  I'm excited and I made a list of all the things I want to do while I'm there:

1.  Eat poutine.  America doesn't have poutine.  It's really sad and I miss it a lot.
2.  Hug my dog and never let her go.  I miss her even more than poutine.  Every time I see someone in the city with a dog I mentally prepare to steal it and figure out how to sneak it in to my dorm.
3.  Drive everywhere and be super lazy.  Living in the city, you walk a lot.  Blocks, avenues, down stairs, up stairs, up hill, you name it.  I can't wait to just move from couch to car to store to car to couch with none of that pesky walking to get in the way.
4.  Make my parents buy me things.  For obvious reasons.
5.  Snuggle all my cats.  I have a lot of cats.  They all require snuggles.
6.  Sing really loudly all the time.  You miss the little things when living on a floor with 20 people.

Meanwhile, because I'm so excited to go home, I'm also having trouble sleeping and sitting still here, so I'm trying to fill my days with work and fun things to pass the time.  Today I went and saw a play called "Venus in Fur", starring Hugh Dancy and Nina Arianda.  I have loved Hugh Dancy ever since "The Jane Austen Book Club" and he gave a great performance in "The Pride" in 2010, and he was equally solid here.  Nina Arianda was fabulous and deserves all the Tony's for 2012.  I also managed to lose 'The Book of Mormon" lottery like 800 times today.

Poutine.

let's talk about: dorm living!

I know 25 is probably considered quite old to live away from home for the first time, but this is legitimately my first time away from home for an extended period of time.  I tried moving to Toronto once and lasted about a month;  I lived with a family friend in Mississauga and realized fairly quickly that I didn't want to move from suburbia to suburbia. Then I tried moving to New York once and lasted about two weeks and lived with a young friend who was, gently put, slightly less responsible than I would have liked and caused my high-strung self to become even more frazzled than normal.  That time, I went home for my health.  Now, armed with some intense months of CBT and a supply of Zoloft, I am back in New York, living in a graduate student dorm near Columbia University.

Things I like about living in a dorm (surprisingly, there are a few):

- Cafeteria and meal plan.  I can't cook, and don't want to cook until I absolutely have to learn.
- The view from my 10th floor room.
- The girls on my floor are all either awesome at best to quiet and harmless at worst.
- The neighbourhood.  Morningside Heights is often called Boringside Heights and you know what?  That's cool with me.  I'm from suburbia, so, you know.

Things I don't like about living in a dorm (surprisingly, not as many as I expected):

- The heat in my room is almost unbearable and it's only January, but I'm still too cheap and lazy to get a/c.
- The bathrooms.  I'm really looking forward to my first visit home, where I plan to do nothing but take long bubble baths and sing very, very loudly.

Things I thought I would hate but don't mind:

- Neighbours.  Back home, I lived in a basement on the opposite end of the house from my parents.  I was extremely used to silence and darkness, and I was definitely worried that the noises of others would be difficult for me to get used to, especially because I'm a very light sleeper.  Other than the first night, though, I haven't had any problems.  Part of it is learning to tolerate things better, but part of it is also due to the ladies on my floor who are all, so far, very respectful and considerate.
-  No TV.  My Canadian netflix account, which I loathed due to its limited choices, is also my US netflix account, which I love due to its plethora of choices.  I have a huge crush on Alec Baldwin now.

I'm sure there's more to talk about, good things, bad things, the city, friends, family, but this already seems like a lot.  I miss my family, my dog, my cats, and my bedroom.  I miss cold winter days and the prairies and snow and driving in a car.  But I miss them in a good way, in a way that makes me appreciate being here and will help me appreciate being home again soon.

Let's talk about: songwriting!

Last summer, I wrote and directed a musical version of William Shakespeare's "Hamlet" at the 2011 Winnipeg Fringe Festival in Winnipeg, Manitoba.  It was mildly successful, with good things and bad things, and an awesome learning experience and challenging opportunity.  Before I leave for New York and get separated from my keyboard, I thought I would record one of the songs I wrote for the show.  It was written for a soprano voice, which I am most definitely not, so apologies in advance for that.  This was essentially the first song I had ever written in entirety (as in, didn't give up halfway through) and I'm almost sort of proud of it.  Please let me know what you think!  Constructively and kindly.

Let's talk about: slightly okay singing!

As per my very first blog post, I began taking singing lessons towards the end of 2011.  My teacher recommended I record myself and my progress, so I set aside an hour from my very busy schedule of sleeping and watching TV to figure out the chords to one of my favourite songs and record my own version of it.  Here's a video of my version of "My Manic and I" by Laura Marling:

I think I've improved a fair bit since I began.  For one, I'm slightly more comfortable listening to myself sing.  I used to hear myself and cringe at how I sounded, but now I can almost tolerate my voice.  My voice itself is stronger, my breathe support better, and occasionally I can even use vibrato!  My teacher is great and I'm very sad to leave her behind.  She has been encouraging me to accompany myself, which was a brilliant move on her part because I'm much more confident in my piano skills than my vocal skills.  She also has me working on original music, and before I move to NYC and have to say goodbye to my trusty keyboard for a while I hope to post some of my very own songs.

You know, after I take a bottle of Xanax and drink several bottles of vodka.

Let's talk about: hair!

I had a traumatic experience this week, the kind I thought I was always somewhat above of having.  I went to get my hair dyed and cut at a professional salon and came out with unexpected results.  I then proceeded to cry for several hours while demanding reassurance from all my gay friends that they would still love me.

An important consideration for this story is that I am not what you would call a girly girl: I can rarely muster up enough energy to put on makeup more than once or twice a week, my nail polish stays on for months until it chips off, and I can and have go years between haircuts.  So the post-traumatic stress I experienced as a result of this took me by surprise.

I wear my hair long, black, and usually straight.  I’ve had long hair for years, ever since I was old enough to take care of my own hair, presumably an act of rebellion from the early childhood years where my mom thought it was the roaring 20’s and decided to make me rock the blunt-bangs bob.  I receive a lot of compliments on my hair and it’s my favourite feature and the physical attribute I am most confident about. I guess the pink and purple highlights in my hair subconsciously became a huge part of my identity, because this time I opted for blue instead and was left traumatized.

Something that seemed logical afterwards but I completely forgot in the joy of the hair dyeing moment was that blue probably wouldn't show up very well against black.   As she finished drying my hair and kept pointing out the blue and how nice it looked, I almost started crying because I couldn’t see it.  When I got home, I stood staring at my hair in my mirror for hours, checking it from different angles and under different lighting fixtures, trying to figure out how to see the blue more vividly.  I felt like someone had just cut off my hand or my nose without those bold strands of pink.  I felt boring.  I felt generic.  I worried that nobody was going to realize how much of a unique butterfly I was if my hair didn’t say it for me.   I had a legitimate identity crises caused by my hair.

It’s been a few days now, and I’ve come to terms with it.  The blue dye is temporary, and in a few months, it will be time for a new colour and I can be as special a snowflake as I want to be.   In the meantime, I’m focusing on reshaping that demented aspect of my personality where my dependence on hair-related compliments once was and replacing it with something productive and positive.  Like a drinking problem.

Let's talk about: 2011!

I celebrated the end of 2011 by watching a "Roseanne" marathon on TV and falling asleep at 10PM after half a glass of rum and diet coke.  My night shared a depressing similarity with almost every other night of my life.  I also filled out this end of year questionnaire and will post it today to keep on top of my resolution to blog more frequently!  Talking about my life on a daily basis might be the first resolution I have the ability to keep!

1.  What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? 

I wrote a musical.  I took singing lessons.

2.  Did you keep your New Years' Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I make the same resolutions every year and give up on them within a few days.  My only resolution for this year is to be kind to myself in every way and in everything I do.

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

None of my close friends are pregnant or have children.  I think that's probably why we're friends.

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

My grandfather passed away in February.

5.  What countries did you visit?

Canada, the United States, Great  Britain, Germany, Italy, Austria, and Slovenia.  Traveling on a budget is one of the few things I'm good at.

6.  What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Mindfulness.

7.  What date from 211 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

On May 29th, I was alone in London.  I had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and nobody to visit.  I felt very lonely and lost and spent most of the day crying in my hotel room.  In the late afternoon, I mustered up the energy to go for a walk.  I walked aimlessly for hours and ended up near the Tower of London.  I sat on a bench and watched the sun set, wondering how I could feel so lonely while being surrounded by so many people.  I noticed a group beginning to form and it turned out to be a 'Jack the Ripper' walking tour.  On a whim, I decided to tag along, and saw many parts of London that I would have otherwise never seen, either because they were off the radar or because I was too afraid.  We walked down Brick Lane, shortly after the market closed, and I instantly began to feel more at peace and more connected.  As I walked through the crowded streets, I literally ran into a familiar face, British actresses Hayley Atwell.  We both smiled and apologized and went our separate ways, but from that moment on, I somehow felt less alone.  It was such a simple day with nothing particularly special about it, but I always think about it when I feel particularly sad.  It reminds me that life is constantly changing, for better or for worse, and that all we can really do is learn to go with it and make the best of things.

8.  What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I applied and was accepted to both law school and graduate school for playwriting, two things I thought were so far beyond my reach that it was almost a joke to apply.  I also produced, director, composed the music for, and performed in a musical over the summer.  I certainly never expected something like that to happen.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

Emotionally, my biggest failure was letting other people bully and manipulate me and not being assertive enough to stop it.  In terms of life events, I moved to New York City for school but moved back home after only a few weeks because I was having severe and very frequent panic attacks.  I try not to look at either thing as a failure, though, because I learned a lot from each situation and am confident I am going in to the new year with a little more strength and a lot more wisdom.  Failure is the best teacher, as they say.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

My nonstop allergies were again the most dependable aspect of my health.  They especially flourished during the summer months, where it got so extreme that I began having asthma attacks again after a 10 year hiatus.  Other than that, I've had the occasional cold and my regular issues with low blood pressure.  My immune system is working a little too well these days.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

In London, on a whim, I bought a ticket to go see "In A Forest, Dark and Deep", a play by Neil LaBute.  The show meant a lot to me and really stuck with me afterwards.  I gave myself a high five for that decision.

12.  Whose behaviour merited celebration?

I like to think that everyone is trying their best and has good intentions.  I'm seriously that optimistic.

13.  Whose behaviour made you appalled?

Nothing anyone does could possibly surprise me.  I'm seriously that cynical.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Health care expenses!  Now that I'm 25, I'm not covered under my family's health care plan anymore and have to pay for all that jazz myself.  It's unfortunate because I don't plan on becoming a mature adult until I'm at least 30.

15.  What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Keanu Reeves.  Everyone is underestimating him!  

16.  What song will always remind you of 2011?

"Born this Way" by Lady Gaga and "In the Corner Dunce" by Aleka's Attic.

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?  Happier.  Because I'm back on anti-depressants!  Nothing can bring me down!  Whoo!

ii.  Thinner or fatter?  I think I weigh more but I'm a smaller size.  Thanks, strength training!

iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer.  I quit my full-time job so I could go to school for creative writing, thus ensuring a lifetime of poverty.

18.  What do you wish you'd done more of?

The things I enjoy.

19.  What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying and hating myself.

20.  How did you spend Christmas?

I spent it at home watching movies ("Gone with the Wind"), reading books ("Tender is the Night"), and drinking a lot of diet pepsi.

21.   Who did you spend the most time on the phone with in 2011?

My parents, I guess.  I rarely use the phone.

22.  Did you fall in love in 2011?

A whole bunch of times.  I have so many soul-mates.

23.  How many one-night stands?

None.  I always start every date with a strong "You know we're going to be together forever, right?"

24.  What was your favorite TV program?

For current shows, I really enjoyed "The Borgias".  For old shows that I never got around to watching at the time, I watched the entirety of "LOST" early in the year and it was the best three weeks of my year. 

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No hate.

26.  What was the best book you read?

This wasn't the best year for books in my world.  I mostly re-read some of my old favourites, including Nabokov's "Lolita" and "Brideshead Revisited" by Evelyn Waugh.  I also read a non-fiction book by Temple Grandin about animal welfare and autism.  I test solidly in the middle of the autism spectrum and am very passionate about animal welfare, so thus I am a very, very big fan of this lady.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

I tend to stick close to my classic rock favourites, but this year I listened to quite a bit of Laura Marling, Mumford & Sons, and The Decemberists.  I did this all while drinking tea and wearing Buddy Holly glasses, too, so assume what you will.  I also spent a few months listening to a lot of Dogstar and Aleka's Attic. 

28.  What did you want and get?

A second chance.

29.  What did you want and not get?

An unlimited about of money so I could create a non-profit lab that would synthesize medications and distribute them to the people who need them regardless of location or income.  Dare to dream.

30.  What was your favourite film of this year?

"Martha Marcy May Marlene" and "Drive" are the two that stick with me the most.  Both were gorgeous and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

31.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Knowing me, I probably spent my birthday alone and saw a movie.  I turned 25.

32.  What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not being so hard on myself and learning to live in the moment.

33.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Dresses, tights, leggings, boots, big sweaters, pretty scarves, and fancy hats.

34.  What kept you sane?

Meditation, swimming, and the words and wisdom of both friends and strangers.

35.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

A new love and respect for Keanu Reeves, my Canadian hockey playing buddha buddy, and a renewed appreciation for River Phoenix, my spirit animal.

36.  What political issue stirred you the most?

Don't Ask Don't Tell.  Don't even get me started.

37.  Who did you miss?

I don't miss people so much as I miss moments.  I miss a lot of moments.  I'm grateful for a lot of moments.

38.  Who was the best new person you met?

David Tennant.  He liked my hair.  The Doctor likes my hair.  That's going to keep my self-esteem up for at least another 6 months.

39.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

"What we think, we become."

40.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"How many times have you heard someone say,
"If I had money, I would do things my way."
But little they know, that it's so hard to find
one rich man in ten, with a satisfied mind.

Money can't buy back all your youth when you're old,
a friend when you're lonely, or peace to your soul.
The wealthiest person, is a pauper at times
compared to the man with a satisfied mind.

When my life is over and my time has run out,
my friends and my loved ones, I will leave there's no doubt.
But one thing's for certain, when it comes my time,
I'll leave this old world with a satisfied mind."

- Jeff Buckley, "Satisfied Mind"